Looking at all the time between my posts is somewhat discouraging but I am working on making choices that make me better or happier. With that said, I am not going to focus on the lack of posts but on the content. Not even sure if any one is following or not, I just am pouring myself out so I can reorder my life and pick up the pieces worth keeping and put them back. The rest, leave them behind;  it will hopefully no longer weigh me down and be a burden.

Looking at my posts I realize so many are about Josiah, if not all of them. The last 20 plus years he has been what has defined my life, not just the peaks and the valleys but the day to day simple ordinary stuff. Taking care of him has never been a burden but it has been hard. But what I wouldn't give to have that opportunity again. But it isn't happening and in all honesty I would not want him back here on this earth in that beautiful little body that imprisoned him and caused him so much pain. In fact, he is so much better now that I can't wait till the day I get to go to him and Abba. What a day of rejoicing that will be.

His 19th birthday is coming up and I am struggling so much just trying to define myself outside the boundaries of family. I am not doing it because I want to. Far from it, I am very happy being known as Josiah's, Hannah's, and Cassie's mom, and John's wife. It is all I have every really wanted. But now that he is gone and the girls are grown it leaves me undefined. There are so many people that have come into our lives, if even in a minor way, that do not know Josiah. For one, that is sad, what a blessing they missed out on. Two, they will never know me as Josiah's mom. He was what was best about me. He gave me strength and faith that I never knew I had. He brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and the Celestial world than I ever knew was possible. He gave me a purpose in life, a reason to get up out of bed, and strive to be a better person. Now I am having to define myself in a way that gives me all these things with out him. That seems like an insurmountable task. But back to choices. A professor recently told me being happy was a choice and wonderful optimistic me said nope it is a chore. But I am working on changing that and taking her words to heart. I know the scriptures tell me the same thing. But hey, I am bull-headed, what can I say? Josiah was always able to bring out my soft side, my optimistic side, my better side.

How I miss him. That will never change but I am trying to make this life more than bearable since I am stuck here. I am trying to give it purpose, give me purpose, and carry on. Whatever it is that fills this void, though never completely, really has shoes too big to fill. I would not want to have to follow a class act like Josiah. Not sure if there is anyone or thing that could on this earth. I am so very grateful to my Father that I have John and the girls to see me through. Though they do not need me as much any more I sure need them. They are a piece of heaven on earth. May God bless us all with joy and healing.