Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Looking at my posts I realize so many are about Josiah, if not all of them. The last 20 plus years he has been what has defined my life, not just the peaks and the valleys but the day to day simple ordinary stuff. Taking care of him has never been a burden but it has been hard. But what I wouldn't give to have that opportunity again. But it isn't happening and in all honesty I would not want him back here on this earth in that beautiful little body that imprisoned him and caused him so much pain. In fact, he is so much better now that I can't wait till the day I get to go to him and Abba. What a day of rejoicing that will be.
His 19th birthday is coming up and I am struggling so much just trying to define myself outside the boundaries of family. I am not doing it because I want to. Far from it, I am very happy being known as Josiah's, Hannah's, and Cassie's mom, and John's wife. It is all I have every really wanted. But now that he is gone and the girls are grown it leaves me undefined. There are so many people that have come into our lives, if even in a minor way, that do not know Josiah. For one, that is sad, what a blessing they missed out on. Two, they will never know me as Josiah's mom. He was what was best about me. He gave me strength and faith that I never knew I had. He brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and the Celestial world than I ever knew was possible. He gave me a purpose in life, a reason to get up out of bed, and strive to be a better person. Now I am having to define myself in a way that gives me all these things with out him. That seems like an insurmountable task. But back to choices. A professor recently told me being happy was a choice and wonderful optimistic me said nope it is a chore. But I am working on changing that and taking her words to heart. I know the scriptures tell me the same thing. But hey, I am bull-headed, what can I say? Josiah was always able to bring out my soft side, my optimistic side, my better side.
How I miss him. That will never change but I am trying to make this life more than bearable since I am stuck here. I am trying to give it purpose, give me purpose, and carry on. Whatever it is that fills this void, though never completely, really has shoes too big to fill. I would not want to have to follow a class act like Josiah. Not sure if there is anyone or thing that could on this earth. I am so very grateful to my Father that I have John and the girls to see me through. Though they do not need me as much any more I sure need them. They are a piece of heaven on earth. May God bless us all with joy and healing.
Friday, March 18, 2011
This past Sunday Josiah did not do well during Sacrament and wanted to go home. Well, my calling needed me during the second hour so I asked him to wait. During that hour he seemed to improve and do better. So, I kept asking him "Are you sure you still want to go home?" This boy loves church and hates to miss ANY activities yet he kept insisting he needed to go home. So we went. I wondered if I had given in too soon and should have made him stay.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Here is my little man just before they wheeled him off to his bronch. He has always been able to handle his life and all that it entails with such courage, dignity, and of course, a sense of humor. He gets that from his dad. When they went in they were afraid of what they would find. He has a compromised airway that has to always be managed carefully. When they got the camera in they were pleased with what they saw. Of course it isn’t the best airway, far from it, but it isn’t life threatening right now. What the doctors don’t know is that he has so many people praying for him and he received a preisthood blessing. He came home that same day and will be taking it easy a little while longer but we got good news so I’m happy.
He has been on the vent a lot since he got home, loses color too quick, and we’ve suctioned up blood. It could just be an infection or an irritated airway from the surgery. John says I’m a pessimist so I am trying to think positive and not worry too much about it. If he isn’t better tomorrow I’ll call the doctor. For now I’m happy he is home and that he is happy. I’ll keep everyone updated.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Well it's time for another surgery for Josiah. He will be having a bronchoscopy to evaluate his airway. It is a same day surgery and I am hopeful that it is going to go well. Dr. Goudy will be doing the surgery and it will happen at VUMC - Children. It may be the first of many more surgeries to come. I will try to keep the blog up to date but you see how I've done so far.