Looking at all the time between my posts is somewhat discouraging but I am working on making choices that make me better or happier. With that said, I am not going to focus on the lack of posts but on the content. Not even sure if any one is following or not, I just am pouring myself out so I can reorder my life and pick up the pieces worth keeping and put them back. The rest, leave them behind;  it will hopefully no longer weigh me down and be a burden.

Looking at my posts I realize so many are about Josiah, if not all of them. The last 20 plus years he has been what has defined my life, not just the peaks and the valleys but the day to day simple ordinary stuff. Taking care of him has never been a burden but it has been hard. But what I wouldn't give to have that opportunity again. But it isn't happening and in all honesty I would not want him back here on this earth in that beautiful little body that imprisoned him and caused him so much pain. In fact, he is so much better now that I can't wait till the day I get to go to him and Abba. What a day of rejoicing that will be.

His 19th birthday is coming up and I am struggling so much just trying to define myself outside the boundaries of family. I am not doing it because I want to. Far from it, I am very happy being known as Josiah's, Hannah's, and Cassie's mom, and John's wife. It is all I have every really wanted. But now that he is gone and the girls are grown it leaves me undefined. There are so many people that have come into our lives, if even in a minor way, that do not know Josiah. For one, that is sad, what a blessing they missed out on. Two, they will never know me as Josiah's mom. He was what was best about me. He gave me strength and faith that I never knew I had. He brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and the Celestial world than I ever knew was possible. He gave me a purpose in life, a reason to get up out of bed, and strive to be a better person. Now I am having to define myself in a way that gives me all these things with out him. That seems like an insurmountable task. But back to choices. A professor recently told me being happy was a choice and wonderful optimistic me said nope it is a chore. But I am working on changing that and taking her words to heart. I know the scriptures tell me the same thing. But hey, I am bull-headed, what can I say? Josiah was always able to bring out my soft side, my optimistic side, my better side.

How I miss him. That will never change but I am trying to make this life more than bearable since I am stuck here. I am trying to give it purpose, give me purpose, and carry on. Whatever it is that fills this void, though never completely, really has shoes too big to fill. I would not want to have to follow a class act like Josiah. Not sure if there is anyone or thing that could on this earth. I am so very grateful to my Father that I have John and the girls to see me through. Though they do not need me as much any more I sure need them. They are a piece of heaven on earth. May God bless us all with joy and healing.

Light at the end of the tunnel

This past Sunday Josiah did not do well during Sacrament and wanted to go home. Well, my calling needed me during the second hour so I asked him to wait. During that hour he seemed to improve and do better. So, I kept asking him "Are you sure you still want to go home?" This boy loves church and hates to miss ANY activities yet he kept insisting he needed to go home. So we went. I wondered if I had given in too soon and should have made him stay.

But Monday night I realized I should never have doubted my son. He spiked a fever of 102.4 and with ice packs and meds we got it down to 101.8. But that was short lived and it went right back up. Now, I am not one to call the doctor right away. Josiah has been off and on antibiotics so much that I like to give his body the chance to fight it naturally. Now this is not easy. I know it means neither of us will get much sleep and he may be miserable a little longer but his immune system needs all the strength it can get.

So, I wipe a nose till it almost comes off his face. I suction his lungs till they almost turn inside out. I take his temp and give him his regular meds- over and over and over. We also had a bout of diarrhea that will not be forgotten for a long time, at least not till we get new carpet. Enough said on that.

I normally give it 2-3 days and then see if we need a doctor at that point. Wednesday he showed some improvement and Thursday even more so no doc needed. But last night he spiked right back up to 102.4. This morning temp is normal-for now and he is looking better. He is still junkie and needing suctioned more than normal and he is still so tired but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

If he can fight this on his own I will be so grateful and excited. It could mean that the common cold will not become pneumonia, that his one kidney will not be stressed out by ANOTHER antibiotic, that I can sleep better knowing my baby is not hot and miserable, that this is one of many battles that he wins.

So far behind

Sorry I am months behind. We have been overwhelmed and struggling day by day so things have gotten put on the back burner. But I am trying to get life straightened out and back on track. So don't give up on me as I work on updating my personal blog and family blog.

I love to follow blogs more than being followed. I have been spending too much time on facebook and twitter though and they are just not as in depth as a blog can be. I have many friends on both but the blogs I follow are of people I want to get to know and learn about and learn from in a deepness that FB and Twitter do not allow. So I will be trying to keep you updated on us as I also stay updated on you. Thanks for the visit and stop by anytime.

Me

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a great and merry Christmas and a happy New Year.  We had a great time at the Rosiers bringing in the New Year with great food, laughter, love, and great friends.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  Kim and Lakin are great hosts.  I only wish the Ritters and Sandstroms could have been there.  I will try to update my site http://web.me.com/meri.allen/Site/Welcome.html

Please keep Debby Stallman and her dad in your prayers.  He has started off the new year in the hospital. Speaking from experience I know how that is and it is just plain awful.  Well, the family is walking out the door so I better run.  I still have more I can share so I'll Be Back.

Luv Ya

Josiah made it home

Here is my little man just before they wheeled him off to his bronch.  He has always been able to handle his life and all that it entails with such courage, dignity, and of course, a sense of humor.  He gets that from his dad.  When they went in they were afraid of what they would find.  He has a compromised airway that has to always be managed carefully.  When they got the camera in they were pleased with what they saw.  Of course it isn’t the best airway, far from it, but it isn’t life threatening right now.  What the doctors don’t know is that he has so many people praying for him and he received a preisthood blessing.  He came home that same day and will be taking it easy a little while longer but we got good news so I’m happy.  

He has been on the vent a lot since he got home, loses color too quick, and we’ve suctioned up blood.  It could just be an infection or an irritated airway from the surgery.  John says I’m a pessimist so I am trying to think positive and not worry too much about it.  If he isn’t better tomorrow I’ll call the doctor.  For now I’m happy he is home and that he is happy.  I’ll keep everyone updated.

Update

Well it's time for another surgery for Josiah.  He will be having a bronchoscopy to evaluate his airway.  It is a same day surgery and I am hopeful that it is going to go well.  Dr. Goudy will be doing the surgery and it will happen at VUMC - Children.  It may be the first of many more surgeries to come.  I will try to keep the blog up to date but you see how I've done so far.

Cassie has started college - MTSU this semester and John will finally get his degree this December.  But now it looks like with this poor economy he may not get to use it right away and I will have to get a job to help pay for Cassie's education.  I'll be glad when I can be at home full time and listen to my Rush and Glenn, play around with Adobe,  and scrapbook.  

We will hopefully be working on the house soon.  It has needed renovations for a few years now.  Not real pretty but there is hope - but this hope will need lots of money thrown at it. This is one thing money can fix.

Later everyone.

Still a work in progress.  I have yet to find a photo I like, at least with me in it.  I may just put one of the family up with me as the photographer.  I started working several weeks ago (probably months) and time has been such a sparse commodity.  I will try to do better.  Not that I have given anyone the link to even visit.  So I will consider this practice. 

In the beginning...

This is the beginning of my blog. I am following the example of some of my wonderful friends and starting a blog. I hope our family can use it to share our thoughts, photos, and activities with those we love. So feel free to read or not, comment or not, or take it or leave it. I hope to get some photos added soon. Please check us out in the near future.